Knowing what we want: The ultimate life skill and the process of inquiry
The decisions we make define our lives, but we often feel that they are not truly our own. Learning to know what we really want is the most important skill. Can universities teach it?
University and purpose
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In this series of articles, we are approaching the concept of life purpose. And we argue that learning to inquire into it is a skill. A somewhat unusual skill, but a very important one. Janan Ganesh describes the ability to make life-defining decisions as "the ultimate life skill." He equates it with the human attitude of "knowing what you want.” Rather than starting with theoretical explanations, he introduces this idea through a biographical story:
“You aren’t sure that a career in shipping law is for you. You begin a career in shipping law. An inner voice says you won’t enjoy marriage. Another says you’ll grow into it. You marry. Parenthood? It is freedom-killing, but it does enrich one’s time on Earth. You become a parent, on the understanding that a second child would be too much, probably. A second child arrives. (And look, twins!) That private school across town is extortionate, but the pastoral care is first-class, though it is extortionate. You put the eldest’s name down. None of these decisions really feel like yours. Perhaps the consequences won’t be yours either.”
The author narrates a biography shaped by a series of decisions. The overall assessment — made in a tone that is half serious and half ironic — is that the author has never really been the architect of these choices and cannot control their consequences.
He then searches for a lesson and reflects in a rather melancholic tone:
“At that age now where the life choices of some peers are souring, I search for a theme, perhaps even a lesson, in the sadness. And increasingly find one: knowing what you want is the most important life skill. It is worth more than either talent or hard work. It is almost worth as much as luck. Have it, and disappointment is still probable, but on your own terms. Lack it, and you will be done to and acted upon. You will be the creature of events.”
Therefore, the lesson is that knowing what you want is the most important life skill — more significant than talent or willpower. However, it is a peculiar skill because exercising it does not guarantee success in life, but it does ensure that, even if you fail, you will have lived your own life rather than being “the creature of events.”
Ganesh arrives at a paradoxical conclusion: knowing what you want is not really a skill, as it does not lead to the achievement of what you desire. However, it does prevent the greater misfortune that comes of not knowing what you want:
“A ‘skill’, I called this, but the tragedy is that it is no such thing. You can no more learn to know what you want than learn to believe in God or find someone attractive. It appears to be a species of luck. And the best kind. With it, you will often fail to get what you want. But you won’t succeed in getting what you didn’t want, which is much worse, and less reversible.”
Understanding what you want is the most important skill in life. It is an unusual skill that is difficult to master and does not guarantee that you will obtain what you desire. However, it does ensure that you will avoid what you do not want, and this is significant.
In conclusion, students often experience distress and uncertainty during their academic journey, precisely because they struggle to determine what they really want. It is worth recalling here that this “knowing what you want” of J. Ganesh is what, in this series of articles, we refer to as “inquiring into life’s purpose.”
Now, let’s take a step further. Having established the contours and fundamental importance of life-defining decisions, several key questions emerge: Can we discover, observe, and practice the elusive skill of knowing what we want? Can we help students learn this skill as a form of guidance?
This is the focus of the following sections, where we explore how students can develop and refine this critical life skill through a structured process of inquiry into their life’s purpose.
The process of inquiry
Previously, we defined life purpose as the unique way in which an individual responds to each situation, making choices that express their singular way of living. Here, we approach life purpose through five key verbs that structure a process of inquiry: liberate, remember, integrate, and commit. These actions unfold within a foundational attitude of listening.
- Liberate: from the tutelage of individuals and social groups that consciously or unconsciously push students toward choices that do not align with their unique way of living.
- Remember: reflect on one's personal history to reveal patterns of living that have led to both individual fulfilment and happiness for others.
- Integrate: incorporate various dimensions of life (such as career ambitions, personal development, hobbies, spirituality, and civic engagement) into a singular and cohesive life project.
- Commit: take decisive action toward implementing this life project within specific organizations that enable the projection of personal happiness into collective well-being.
- ...and listen: the above four actions take place in an environment of deep listening, where students open their hearts and minds to discover, from their innermost selves, the actions linked to the previous four verbs.
Through this process of inquiry, students cultivate the ultimate life skill which enables them to continually refine their purpose throughout their lives. Regardless of success or failure, students will understand they are living their own life and will gain clarity about what they really want — or what they seek to avoid (as Janan Ganesh argues).
In the next article of this series, we will discuss the four verbs of the inquiry process. Afterwards, we will dedicate a specific section to the fifth verb, the action of listening.
